HAVE HAD AND LOST OR NEVER HAD?
- Capitolo 1° -
That lonely boy would have aroused melancholy in anyone who passed by. Sitting on the ground leaning against the trunk of a majestic tree, dressed completely in black, wrapped in a cloak from which only his legs protruded, he almost had no hands. His hair, also black, fell in a long fringe that covered his left eye. The Rinnegan. The right one, the same color as the shiny obsidian when the Sharingan was at rest, stood up for a dejected moment to look at the sky. He always reminded him of someone, that color.
“When you kidnapped my brother Bee, that boy fell down in the snow to help you. He claimed to be your friend and that, for this reason, he certainly could not sit idly by. He knows your nature and is true to his beliefs.”
He was able to perfectly hide the tumult caused by the Raikage's words.
He shook his head, those were things he couldn't afford, hadn't he run away from them all his life? His white face lowered concentrating on the little paper package that, with his right hand, he had placed on his legs after removing it from his bag. He was on break, the Hokage Kakashi had assigned him the mission to investigate the mysterious disappearance of some ninja who were on a ship, even the ship itself was gone. Always using only his right hand, he opened the paper packet taking out three onigiri, food that he had always adored and which, very often, gave him stabs of memories. The left was not really there, the keeper of the sky and the ocean was the only one who knew all the details of the real reason. He too was there and had lost his right hand. Left-handed by birth, he had had to adapt to doing everything with his non-dominant hand, managing to do it very well. He was able to do without the signs to open the various connections of the Chakra, by now, it was enough just to think of his moves.
“Is there anything you can't do and not in the immediate future, Sas'ke?”
"Sure, I'm not a square head like you!"
He tried not to think of memories as bonds but as mere activity of the brain that can't be stopped simply by will. Sasuke Uchiha couldn't afford to love, not after all ties were severed. Like all Uchiha, he had always been, by nature, very affectionate. However, when this love is lost or unrequited, it plunges the person who gave it too much and too intensely into blackest darkness. Yet there had been a time when that affection Sasuke had believed free to expand unconditionally and without end. The most natural thing in the world and he didn't understand why it had always been so complicated and painful for others to live it in peace. Times gone by now, he was just a child at the time. He was almost ashamed to have spent a period of such naivety.
He had allowed himself one of his favorite foods of him because it was his birthday, no one knew it so if someone had caught him enjoying onigiri, he certainly wouldn't have thought of such an anniversary. He brought one to his mouth to savor it, the way the marble lips had disappeared behind us for a moment and the slight noises he made while eating would have melted the hypothetical external observer with tenderness. Yet once he cared a lot about his birthday, yet another love betrayed. Sasuke perfectly remembered the day when even that joy was shattered.
It wasn't his birthday, but Itachi's. Shisui insisted a lot on involving him in organizing the surprise party and choosing the gift. Itachi was never interested in birthdays, he paid a minimum of attention exclusively to Sasuke's only because he knew that his little brother cared a lot about it, for the rest it was just a number that changed every year. And the change of that number, according to Itachi, did not affect the people or the surrounding world in the slightest. World that Itachi was already thinking of improving for the future of his unsuspecting little brother. That clever Shisui knew it well, so he involved Sasuke with the aim of making Itachi accept the celebrations. That was a special date, a number that, for once, would make things change seriously. Itachi was finally fourteen and this would make Shisui finally free to show him how he felt towards him. When Sasuke, on the porch of the house, handed Itachi the gift chosen for him, a simple necklace with a rubber cord and three silver circles, his brother and Shisui were talking about something. Speech that the two interrupted immediately upon his arrival. At Sasuke's request for an explanation, Shisui laughed at it by explaining how Itachi didn't want to admit that he was actually the stronger of the two. Sasuke pouted up in defense of his brother.
"Shisui, Itachi could even beat you with his eyes closed if he wanted to."
"Nii – san, tell him that you are the strongest!"
His unconditional love in perfect Uchiha style, overflowed without any brakes. Why should it be wrong to love someone?
But Itachi, who never let any emotion escape, that evening let something leak from those eyes identical to his. A spark of desperation just hinted and immediately withdrawn.
It wasn't until about a month later that Sasuke learned everything. A few days after he turned eight. From then on he had even tried to forget his birthday, without success. He learned of Shisui's plan to use the Kotoamatsukami on his father to force him to stop the revolt to which Itachi had given full consent. Failure because of Danzo, that's why those bandages to cover his empty eye socket. On the evening of the extermination of the Clan, Shisui, in agreement with Itachi, had kept him away from the village where the Uchiha were confined with the excuse of training him in the dark and testing his abilities.
"What happen? We have to go back. Shisui, it seems that someone has attacked the village, Nii – san will be in danger.”
Little Sasuke hadn't escaped the terrible screams despite being at a great distance.
“Look up there, Sasuke, do you see the Milky Way? It is said to lead to happiness whoever has the constancy to follow it, why don't we try?”
And so they followed it until they reached that abandoned stone house.
Itachi joined them a couple of days later explaining that the village had been attacked by a group of brigands who had spared no one. Since he had been the only survivor and, consequently, the only suspect, he would have had to go into hiding by joining a criminal organization. This is the explanation given to little Sasuke. And he listened to him, his admired Nii-san, with all the attention he had ever paid to him. Itachi's eyes screamed in pain, his legs trembled. Sasuke's dream of enlisting with him in the police force, like his father, was shattered forever. Then Itachi left and Sasuke never saw him again, only heard him. At night Itachi sometimes came back to see Shisui.
Shisui and Sasuke often trained together. The youngest had begun to harbor feelings of revenge against those who had exterminated his family, whoever he was. The pain activated his Sharingan. Itachi would come back when he was sure he was asleep, Sasuke would hear him sobbing and muttering disconnected words, then he would spend the night with Shisui always disappearing before sunrise. Sasuke wasn't stupid and his requests for explanations to Shisui became more and more insistent until one day he didn't come to know everything by surprising Shisui with the Sharingan to read his mind, the major certainly didn't expect it. It was Sasuke's birthday, just over a month before him his little hands had tied that necklace to Itachi.
Their pupils aligned, the four black spikes Sasuke saw swirling against a blood red background didn't hurt. There, the youngest found all the information he was looking for.
The solution…
No brigands attacked the village, it was Itachi. He did it to make sure how strong he was.
Betrayed love drove him crazy. Shisui didn't make the slightest attempt to stop him and, that day, they saw each other for the last time. Sasuke's soul was now black and dark, despite the fact that he had returned to his Village of origin and had successfully completed his studies. He had tried in vain to forget. The pain of betrayal was first vented on Itachi and then on Konoha who had used him.
The solution...
For me. For the future.
They had stalled trying them all.
Shisui showed me a false truth by accepting the consequences for the sake of the future.
Shisui actually predicted Sasuke's move with the Sharingan many years ago; deception within deception, he showed him Itachi's false motives by making them seem real. Sasuke knew now, the truth had always been there, fused with the Kotoamatsukami's false interface. Perhaps Shisui could not bear the loss of his love for him but no one ever knew the truth about how things really went, still Shisui was among the missing persons. Since he had used Kotoamatsukami with only his left eye, it would have remained inactive for ten years making him blind; anything could have happened to him. Sasuke's Mangekyo Sharingan unlocked following all that torment, Itachi's eyes had served to save him from blindness accelerated by his irrepressible fury. Another thing planned and completed by the older brother. For him alone, this was love.
"I'm sorry, but I have to stop you!" Ocean's eyes had never been so adamant.
Talking to Itachi brought back to life by the Edo Tensei hadn't helped. The pain had worsened becoming almost unbearable. Sasuke had been unable to say as many words to him as he would have wanted, paralyzed with desperation. And that was really the last time.
The guardian of the ocean and the sky had made a point of letting people know that Itachi had sacrificed himself for the good of the world and that he had given fundamental help during the Fourth Ninja War even beyond his life.
"I want Kabuto, unlike me, to notice while he's still alive."
Itachi had been the result of the darkness generated by lies, he had tried to absorb it all within himself so that the world would finally be free of it. He had managed to think about everyone's future, even that of Kabuto himself.
To my.
Everyone's but yours.
Sasuke hadn't believed his ears when he heard his older brother justify the one who had been one of their bitterest enemies until a few seconds ago. Although he was trapped in the Izanami condemned to look inside himself endlessly until he accepted himself for what he was, Itachi had decided to spare him to give him that chance that he hadn't had.
Sasuke's role had been foreseen by him and calculated to perfection. That time Sasuke had let the tears run down his cheeks like never in his life. It had never happened before and it never happened again after.
That shining and golden sun had entered everyone's heart. He also wanted to breach the night of Sasuke's soul but he kept pushing him away. He had even tried to kill him blinded by the thirst for vengeance, seeing him as a mere obstacle, until they had stood there, both without an arm, trying not to move too much so as not to bleed to death.
"Why are you doing this, Naruto?"
"Because I'm your friend."
The same answer he'd given him several times.
“You have always been alone, Naruto, you had neither parents nor siblings. What do you know about what I feel?”
“You're right, I can't really know what it feels like. However, the bond I feel towards you I have always considered similar to a brotherly bond. We were both alone Sasuke, you had and lost while I never had."
Is it worse to have had and then lost or never to have had? With his mind clouded by the pain of his lost arm, Sasuke pondered this question. He had grown up surrounded by the unconditional love of his loved ones, treasuring those bonds. Naruto had never seen his parents' faces, never heard their voices. And yet, the blond, he had never had the slightest intention of abandoning him or even just letting him go. It was much worse to lose after having known, this is the curse of the Uchiha of which he was also a victim. He couldn't afford to bond, ever again.
To forget the sun you have to stay away from it if you don't want it to forcefully enter under your eyelids to force you to wake up and look. Naruto had always seemed like the sun himself, he had the right keys to unlock every heart, even he had done it even with Kurama's one who became his friend. Sasuke couldn't risk Naruto doing it to his ass, he was too rotten to be able to fix it now.
So he left leaving everything behind once again. This time no one could have blamed him since he had covered himself with a more than valid reason.
“To make a revolution and really change the world, knowledge is needed. I have to fully understand who Kaguya was and what really happened after she ate the fruit of the God Tree.”
Sasuke had given his back to those irises of the ocean in which the pain had begun to make its way, he never turned around again, doing so would have meant collapsing miserably.
Am I fond? Why do I feel this, shouldn't I be indifferent?
With each new task entrusted to him by Kakashi, Sasuke was grateful to be able to use it as an excuse not to return to the Village where he deluded himself that he could not spend a peaceful life. He had been gone for uninterrupted years now, both the orders he received and the reports for Kakashi all happened at a distance. He slowly chewed the last bite of his onigiri, really delicious the only joy of his birthday.
“Sasuke.”
You could hear the joy and the smile in his voice, the dark-haired wondered how it was possible to use such an intonation; his voice, though very pleasant, was always flat.
Since that day, it wasn't like that before.
Though he didn't hear him coming, Sasuke managed not to let his surprise show to the outside. His eyes rested on two rosy feet wearing black sandals, from the outside only the obsidian one could be seen, the purple was hidden by the hair. Sasuke knew the softness of that skin only from having touched it by mistake, it had happened trying to kill him or hurt him, even just pushing him away, not bearing his closeness. But the other had never let this affect him. A very painful sword pierced the dark's heart at these thoughts, but he could not accept it, his facial muscles refused any order. But the eyes, treacherous, moved by themselves, without consent, it was not their prerogative to ask permission for something. The slender and slightly arched legs, still sheathed in the orange uniform, went up.
The prettiest I've ever seen, yet it wouldn't suit anyone else.
The smile, already present, was accentuated with happiness as soon as the obsidian and the ocean touched. The gold of his hair shone in the July sun.
"What are you doing here, Naruto?" the dark-haired asked dryly without losing his relaxed position with one leg bent and one stretched out, the only hand resting on his knee "I told Kakashi that I could handle it very well by myself, if there should be any problem I'll get in touch, if you hear nothing it means that everything is going well.”
The blond's smile widened again involving his eyes: "Happy birthday, Sasuke."
Naruto's right hand rose to go and creep through the fine golden hair, behind the neck, a gesture that Naruto often did as a child in moments of embarrassment, now that hand was wrapped in white bandages but for him it seemed to have changed absolutely Nothing. The pink in his cheeks deepened.
"I still can't believe it, Naruto, did you come all the way here to say three words to me?" the dark-haired let out an angry sigh, he realized that the blond couldn't help but hear it, in spite of him.
Still grinning, Naruto sat down next to him. He did it without asking permission, without thinking, despite all the times he was rejected, Sasuke always managed to marvel at this way of his. The blond pressed his body so close to him that it almost hurt. Sasuke felt the pressure of his side, the warmth of his skin despite the screens of his black cloak and orange uniform.
Naruto became serious without however losing his expression of serenity: "I'd be mad to see you lose the joy of celebrating the day you came into the world."
Sasuke eyed him for endless seconds before replying, "There's nothing to celebrate, Naruto. If someone had bothered to ask me if I wanted to be born I would have said no. The world and life are quite repulsive.”
Naruto sighed with feigned resignation, the sky's eyes remained soft and serene: "Okay, totally free not to be satisfied with the world and with life, on the other hand there are very few people who are, trust me. However you are an incurable egocentric and you make a huge effort to see with the eyes of others. Maybe you're not happy you came into the world, but those who love you are."
“And who is this someone? You, by any chance?"
"Why not?" joy did not abandon that sunny face "But maybe I'm not the only one."
"Okay, philosophy lesson received, thanks Naruto." the dark-haired man replied sarcastically.
But now Sasuke's gaze was focused on the ground and right in front of his feet, Naruto caught the slight waver in his confidence.
A slight shadow of melancholy crossed Naruto's face: “I would have loved to celebrate my birthdays as a child, but I had no one to do it with. I remembered the date of my birth only because it was given to me for mere bureaucratic information. No family, and people avoided me for a reason I was the only one who didn't know. I wouldn't want to have to see you go through the pain I went through, I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy."
Is it worse to have had and lost or never had?
Up until that day, Sasuke had always been convinced that it was worse to lose after having had, those who have never had never experience the pain of loss. But now, listening to Naruto's words, he seemed quite the opposite. He felt reprehensible for considering his friend a giggling, heartless square head. He had received love and even a lot, while Naruto had experienced only loneliness and humiliation without even knowing why. This, for a child, must be devastating. That friend had saved him and had always understood his pain.
“I brought you a present, Sas'ke!” the sun returned to the blond's face.
"Thanks, Naruto" the dark-haired hinted a small smile while waiting.
But the blond knew he was waiting: "First I have to check if you're in a position to accept it."
"What does it mean?" Sasuke's smile bared his teeth.
Naruto would have given his soul away to see one of those smiles, always, from the first time he met him. The blond felt a warm cascade of joy descend into his heart, he imagined it with the colors of the rainbow.
"It's a special gift, you might not even accept it."
"What the hell are you talking about, Naru…"
Naruto's lips had stopped his words, the dark-haired eyes widened, the fringe fell back exposing the Rinnegan, Naruto's were closed. The blond was breathing heavily as he slipped his hands through his raven hair, he hated to see his beautiful face always half hidden. Sasuke, pushed by that blond hurricane, stuck his back to the trunk. He surrendered to the heat he felt rising up his cheeks, he too closed his eyes as Naruto sat on his lap wrapping his thighs around his torso.
You are the strongest, I admit it again. Strong enough to bend me to the curse of being an Uchiha. I'm proud of loving too much and too hard now.
The one hand he had gripped Naruto's waist, he tugged at his body eagerly until it was glued to him. The blond's hands pulled away from the black of his hair to move to that of his cloak, he spread the high collar of the cloak to replace it with his mouth. Naruto's lower abdomen flared with eagerness as he felt Naruto's kisses descend to his collarbones, his hot breath caressing his skin. Yes, it was indeed the sun. Feeling the blond's erection pressing against his body, Sasuke's hand moved, this time without permission, inside the uniform he liked so much. The blond moaned, stopping for a moment, then his rosy hands opened the black cloak vehemently, baring the white chest of the dark-haired; given his heat, he had nothing under his cloak. The kisses descended on his chest, Naruto was lost in the scent of Sasuke's sweaty skin, it was aromatic like a spicy dish. The dark-haired man was panting with his eyes closed and his head thrown back, leaning against the rough bark. An intense rush of pleasure made them open again, Naruto kissing his taut sex several times before sliding it into his burning mouth. Sasuke arched his back both because he was gripped by the intense pleasure and because he wanted to keep holding his hand there, driving Naruto crazy with pleasure.
“Naruto… you are the reason I came into the world.”
The blond didn't seem to hear him, he went on impetuously to keep him in his warmth, bringing him mercilessly to the limit, only after he decided to get something for himself too. Sasuke, worn out by his pleasure, felt himself grabbed by the shoulders and surrendered to rolling on the grass. Lying on their backs, side by side, they smiled lost in the blue above their heads, identical to Naruto's eyes.
Sasuke was smiling, Naruto turned his gaze in his direction enjoying the image for which he had always given his all. The position was the same as when they had severed each other's arms, but neither of them thought about it.
"You too." the blond suddenly stated.
"What?" The dark-haired looked at him frowning.
“You are the reason I came into the world.”
Sasuke hurried to turn again to the sky, he had blushed very few times in his life, but he had always experienced it as a terrible shame. He felt Naruto grab his hand and separate his fingers, once he isolated his ring finger, a sudden cold sensation reached him.
“I would say you can accept my gift.”
Sasuke raised his hand to bring it in front of his face, marble lips parted in disobeying all of his orders. A smooth and squared gold ring, set with an oval stone, it was basic brown but a myriad of iridescent shades from orange, to pink, to yellow gave it depth, Sasuke moved his hand to accentuate the play of light.
"It's Heliolite, the stone of the sun, so I will always be with you" Naruto explained beaming "You are the moon, you know that the two things cannot do without each other even though they are different."
It had never come easy for Sasuke to explain himself with his words, everything was inside his head but he had always come out better using gestures or a look. He grabbed the blond by the waist making him roll several times on the grass, until he stopped keeping him under him. After a few seconds of pinning him down with his intense eyes, he devoured his pink lips with a kiss, the blond's body twisting slightly beneath him.
"That's okay with that answer, Naruto?"
They made love again, their sighs rose in the night sky, now, welcomed by a myriad of bright stars, the only witnesses of their just whispered I love yous.
“Sasuke, would you like to come back? Now, with me."
The Moor was enraptured by the clear streak of the Milky Way, it seemed to be brighter than usual that evening.
“Look up there, Sasuke, do you see the Milky Way? It is said to lead to happiness whoever has the constancy to follow it, why don't we try?”
Those words came from the distant past. A past that only now Sasuke was able to accept because he had a real future.
Thank you, Shisui.
They followed the Milky Way, never untying their hands until they reached their destination just as the sun was rising. Sasuke, along the way, told Naruto about Shisui's theory, the blond listened enraptured even if he never knew the origin of that beautiful tale. The best birthday of Sasuke's life, the first of all the best days for him.
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